What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convienience
stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad -
a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Copyright 2004-2005
Guys Suck and GuysSuck.com have been Common Law Trademarks Since 2004